Name: Daljit Singh Sokhi
Lives In: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Inspired by Humble the Poet. Each poem is done using my own original ideas.
Sometimes I feel like the value of friendship has become worthless, equivalent to dirt. Its no longer about keeping a lasting friendship anymore because “being friends” is something nobody wants anymore. “Being friends” is a bad thing because it doesn’t lead to fucking each other on a bed. Girl says “lets be friends” and all of a sudden it is taken as if the devil himself is about to bring hell upon your life. Everyone is all about starting relationships, or friends with benefits, or anything along those lines.
I’ll be the best fucking person that I can be, i don’t care if me and a girl don’t end up dating each other, staying friends, because if that is what works for us, then so be it. Recently I’ve been bombarded with question about when will I start dating, when will I ask out that girl I talk to and see all the time. When? I’ll tell you when, when I fucking want to! I don’t love anyone, I do not share any special feelings for any girl. I did not too long ago, but I buried it out of respect for her because it would be wrong for me to tell her that I wanted to be with her, knowing that the relationship would be short lived. She deserves better than that. My role in her life is being a good friend. A lot of you would now be shaking her head and saying shit like, wow what fucking loser. I don’t give a fuck. She’s beyond happy right now, and I will not be the one to ruin it.
I respect and appreciate the value of friendship far more than being in a relationship because I feel like having a strong friendship, means having a strong relationship; providing both are willing and share feelings and thoughts mutually. I want my girlfriend/wife to be my best friend. It would make life so much easier, happier. Nobody thinks like that though. Which is fine.
I don’t understand some girls. Not all.. some. They will one day tell me about the qualities they look for in a guy; saying things like how it is sweet when a guy calls/messages to check up on her. Or the generic things like how they want the guy to care for her genuinely and make her feel happy and all that shit. Which is good, that’s what girls should be looking for in a guy.
But apparently that is only allowed if its coming from, “the right guy”. See they would talk about the qualities and how much they appreciate them. Things like how the guy must be this and that and so on. Suppose a friend of her’s or a co-worker or just anyone who the girl isn’t seeing as someone she can be with or in a committed relationship with, is showing those qualities. All of a sudden its deemed as creepy, or wrong, or they are crossing lines. You can’t say that you appreciate certain qualities, but when someone that you are not attracted to shows it, because they’re being a good fucking person, or being a decent friend, you tell them to back off. Not everyone that shows BASIC HUMAN DECENCY is after your what’s in your panties.
But then again, that’s really what it all comes down to, isn’t it? Person A shows a sense of concern for a girl, asking her if she’s landed safely in a foreign country, or wondering how’s she’s holding up during a time of crisis, but the girl would eventually tell him to stop because she isn’t attracted to him, and it is getting “creepy”. IF PERSON B does the same fucking shit, the girl would be getting her panties wet because she likes Person B. Person A is doing what a normal human being should do, especially if he is a friend of her’s.
Have you ever felt like you’ve put in everything you had
But like a boomerang, it comes right back to your face
How it makes you mad, then seem like you’re out of place
Just wanna get yourself on a launch-pad, escape into space
For once be free just for a moment, escape the stress
Body getting tired from constantly cleaning up the mess
You start to care less, hiding the love that you possess
Because the feelings you have for her starts to regress
Me: mum can i go out with my friend
Mum: no beta your dad's uncles neighbours cousins cats goldfish wont like it
Can’t seem to get her out of my head, thinking about her every night. Too afraid to say it, perhaps maybe because I already know the answer. I’ve been through that shit, it never ends well. Caught in between the “what ifs” and the “maybes”, I guess that what is bugging me the most.. I want to let go of it, even if she is probably right for me. Because even if she says yes, I could never bring her into a family that wouldn’t accept her. Doesn’t help that she isn’t of Indian descent; not a Sikh nor a Hindu. That begins the trail of problems. For her, family is one of the most important things. Whenever I am at her house, I see how close she is to her single mother. The single pillar of strength holding her up. Family is just as important to me, but as much I would be happy being with her, I would not be entirely if my family isn’t. Most importantly, I look at just how happy she is right now, then you look at me. Over recent years I have become more tempered, cold, just pissed. I need to be just like her before I start any committed relationship…and that is gonna take me a long time. With her, or with anyone else.
I laugh at myself sometimes, that I always seem to develop strong feelings for those I can never be with. She is probably the one i feel strongest about since the first girl from high school. The girls in between never did hold up my interest for long, or they never had interest in me for that long. Its a bit crushing, holding in so many negative emotions bottled up and act like everything is cool. It won’t hold for long, as she is already beginning to see that there is something bugging me. And if she asks what it is, knowing me, i’ll lie to her and say something to avoid having the conversation about how I really feel about her. The last thing I want is losing her. She does bring out a side of me that was buried years ago, a side that is most real about me. I have a lot of love to give, a lot of compassion to share. But that is the reason why I buried it. I hate being vulnerable, emotionally. I tell myself that it would be best for me and her, that I get over my feelings for her as fast as possible, and continue my role in her life being her friend, her ally, someone she could talk to should anything arise in her life that is problematic.
I tell myself that…
Its been told to me that I am doing harm to myself by not saying anything, or it isn’t healthy. As if I actually want to do this to myself. That I am voluntarily wanting to feel like shit. No, it isn’t voluntary. Confusing thoughts about how much I appreciate her, versus how everything at home is now perfect. Bringing her into all this, would create an imbalance that I had to live through so many years within my family. I don’t want to be the reason to cause another imbalance.
It fucking sucks. Love, it makes a fool out of me. Makes me go through stressful situations; because it is always with someone that’s incompatible in some way. I’m not the one to fall into this “curse” easily. To have physical and emotional attraction to someone, it takes a lot. That girl has to be something so special, when I give up to those feelings, I fall hard. And when it doesn’t work, I fall even harder. So I walk around with a pissed off attitude all day because of it. Its like the complete opposite of what people SHOULD feel. I SHOULD be happy as fuck, I SHOULD be dancing and singing all over the place, I SHOULD be telling all my friends how much I love her, I SHOULD be telling HER how much I love her. But no. I’m pissed off. Love pisses the fuck out of me in my life. And it sucks.
In that “fuck everyone” kinda mood with a little “I don’t give a shit” on the side.